Have you read “What Alice Forgot” by Liane Moriarty? If not, please do so. This book (and author) are in my top 10. This book just really resonated with me. The basic premise (and tell me this doesn't make you want to instantly download it): Forty-year-old Alice hits her head and when she wakes up--she has forgotten the last ten years of her life. Her last memory is being a very happy newlywed with their first child on the way. Reality? She’s a nearly divorced mother of three. You can imagine her shock.
The thoughts and emotions this “younger” Alice goes through are so well written. She cannot even begin to grasp how her adoring husband could actually not just dislike her but maybe even hate her. Surrounded by her loud children with jam-packed schedules, she struggles to understand how life got so busy. Her friends have all become "we should really get together soon" friends, and everyone seems so exhausted and grouchy.
Before her memory loss, she told a friend the #1 reason for divorce and it was: lack of sleep. This was a crazy explanation to the young, unmarried, childless person she told it to; however, if you have kids, you will probably just nod your head in commiseration.
The other aspect of the story I found so eye-opening was seeing past arguments not only from both sides (husband/wife) but also from the view of the young, naive, totally-in-love Alice. When her nearly-ex husband explains some of their fights, she just can’t understand. “Why were we arguing about Christmas in July? Why did I yell at you for eating cherries? Who cares if the kids wore mismatched clothing? Why were we forcing our daughter to play a sport she doesn’t even like?” It was mind-boggling to her.
But as she begins to get her memory back, you see the view of the tired, disillusioned, perfection-driven mom/wife. And I’ll tell you, it makes the case for “the straw that broke the camel’s back.” The nearly-ex was right when he said, “There were a millions reasons why we were divorcing.” Because it’s not about one thing someone did. It’s every tiny little thing that hurts and then festers and grows into this huge, unmanageable thing. Every time the person is insulted or treated unfairly or forgotten or made to feel stupid...each barb hits and chips away at the armor until each person is so broken, they snap. And the marriage is shattered.
Alice looks through the photo albums trying to find something that says “divorce is coming” but she can’t--they look happy. They’re smiling, they’re standing close to each other, they’re laughing...where is the hurt and anger? You can’t see it from behind the lens.
It’s in the snappy comments in front of your kids or your friends. It’s when couples start taking separate vacations, it’s when finances become his/hers instead of ours, it’s when spending 'quality' time together becomes being on separate electronic devices in the same room. The camera won’t catch the chips and barbs.
So what’s the lesson here? [Besides the fact that you need to go get this book to find out how it all ends?] Maybe it’s stepping back and looking at your life through the lens of yourself...ten years ago. What would that youngster think of your life priorities? Of the way you treat your spouse--that person you adored? Would they laugh at your controlling nature and nitpicking? At your anal retentiveness over needing every meal to be organic and healthy? At your inability to put your phone away? At your constant accrual of impressive materialistic things? At your failure to enjoy the simple joy of a hot coffee or a tiny hug or the laughter of your children?
Take a moment and appreciate what you have...how far you’ve come...and remember what is most important. It should be the one sitting next to you. Look them in the eyes and tell them that. It’s never too late to find your way back.
Love that gets through the tough times, that has painful memories as much as it has happy ones, that stood the tests time threw at it, that grew in spite of all the pitfalls...that is the greatest love of all.
