I am writing this today with a heavy heart. Why do so many marriages struggle? How does a love with so much passion, thoughtfulness, kindness, and joy turn into something so dark?
This
turns to this 
"I want him to SHOW me that he loves me." "I want him to be less selfish and actually think of me instead of himself." "We used to have so much fun being together and now I can't get him to turn off the TV and pay attention to me." "I'm married with kids and yet I've never felt so alone." "I thought we'd be happy and in love forever. What happened?!" "I think we've just grown apart." "I love her, I'm just not 'in love' with her anymore." "I give up."
I've been with my husband since we were 16. We've been married 10 years and I can't remember what it was like to "date" or to be "giddy in love". But I know that once upon a time we were in love and I know we acted like it. I know people said, "Get a room!" and "ugh, they're at it again" in playful disgust at our adoration. Where did that sappy love go?
I think the lyrics from Casting Crowns explain it best:
We have to share every day with the same person and that means EVERYTHING: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Your spouse has the power to love you the most and to hurt you the most. They know your strengths and your weaknesses. If they want to hurt you, they know your most vulnerable spot...and you know theirs. And when we are hurt, it's only natural to lash out and return the pain. And no one can do that better than your spouse.
We're human and we get tired. We get worn down. To quote Anton Chekhov
Everyone who marries says the same vows " for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part" and at the time we mean it with all our heart! Cause, let's admit it, we don't really feel like the worse, the poor, or the sick will ever happen to us. I mean, we're in love! We're untouchable, invincible, we're the ones that are gonna make it!! Of course we will cherish and love the other person forever and ever. Duh. But then we don't. The sickness happens..the finance arguments happen...the intention to cherish fades...reality happens and then the 'worse' happens.
How can we make it? This is the hard part: it requires WORK.
If you want to lose weight, how are you going to make that happen? If you scream at yourself that you aren't worth it and that you are a terrible fat person, will that make you thinner? If you sit on the couch eating chips and tell yourself that you will be thinner, will that work? Nope. It's pretty simple but it's not easy. You have to TRY. You have to get off your @$$ and move. You have to STOP eating the crap you love to eat. You have to have will power and say 'no thank you' to the delicious party food. You have to BAN fast food from your diet.
If you want to be rich, how are you going to make that happen? Keep buying lottery tickets and crossing your fingers? Complain to others about how much more you deserve and how the job you have doesn't appreciate you when you should be working? Nope. It's pretty simple but not easy. SPEND LESS THAN WHAT YOU EARN. Maybe take some college classes or job training courses. Ask for more responsibility at work and then give it 110%! Have strong work ethics and live without some stuff now. (I love Dave Ramsey, by the way, and if you haven't read his book--go do it!)
So...if you want a great marriage, how are you going to make that happen? Scream at your spouse about how they never do anything right? Complain to your girlfriends about how you deserve better but then go home and do nothing? Keep an eye out for something better and just stick with this loser until you find the greener grass on the other side? Nope. This one sure as hell isn't easy. You have to TRY. You have to put effort and energy and passion back into your relationship.
How? There are tons of ways but they all involve W-O-R-K. Pick up Love Dare and do it. Read Love and War or Captivating/Wild at Heartby John Eldridge, follow The Five Love Languages or Love and Respect series. Go to a marriage conference or join a small group. Find a couple that's been married for 50 years and ask them how they do it. Pray.
The hardest challenge in making a marriage work is that there are TWO variables instead of just one. But the worst mistake we can make is to say "My spouse needs to change like THIS in order for our marriage to survive".
Benjamin Franklin said it so well ""Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have of changing others." Even if the other person has the biggest issues, picks the fights, is the verbally abusive one...let it go. You have things YOU can change so do that first. Decide what kind of person/spouse you want to be and strive to be that person. The premise of the Love Dare book is a good one: take action and be the first to show love. Initiate the change and see if the other person responds. :)
Is this easy? NO! "Why should I have to be the one to try?! I already do everything!"--might be something you are saying to yourself. Or "It's never going to be good enough." or "We're too far gone already."
Are you afraid because you have already been hurt so much and wonder if digging deep for strength and trying again will get you nowhere? I can only tell you that it's worth the chance.
Don't listen to the world. Don't become a statistic. FIGHT for yourself, for your marriage, for your family. They are worth it. You are worth it. You are loving a FLAWED human being. They once said,
Talk to a pastor, or a friend who wants your marriage to survive, or just pray till your knees give out. Because you promised! Because even as the world says "You tried. It's okay to give up now." God is whispering "Please. Try one more time". Listen to the craving in your heart that says 'I still love him/her and just want to be loved back' and reach out. One...more...time.
I will leave you with one last quote
This
"I want him to SHOW me that he loves me." "I want him to be less selfish and actually think of me instead of himself." "We used to have so much fun being together and now I can't get him to turn off the TV and pay attention to me." "I'm married with kids and yet I've never felt so alone." "I thought we'd be happy and in love forever. What happened?!" "I think we've just grown apart." "I love her, I'm just not 'in love' with her anymore." "I give up."
I've been with my husband since we were 16. We've been married 10 years and I can't remember what it was like to "date" or to be "giddy in love". But I know that once upon a time we were in love and I know we acted like it. I know people said, "Get a room!" and "ugh, they're at it again" in playful disgust at our adoration. Where did that sappy love go?
I think the lyrics from Casting Crowns explain it best:
People never crumble in a dayNewness wears off. We need to be ACTIVELY loving our spouses but, as time moves on, it gets hard to do naturally. He pays more attention to the TV, you might not shave for the entire winter, he forgets special dates, you do never-ending laundry, he leaves his socks on the floor, you whine that he never takes you out, you both sit on the toilet with the door open, he ignores you, you scream trying to get him to hear you...
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade...
We have to share every day with the same person and that means EVERYTHING: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Your spouse has the power to love you the most and to hurt you the most. They know your strengths and your weaknesses. If they want to hurt you, they know your most vulnerable spot...and you know theirs. And when we are hurt, it's only natural to lash out and return the pain. And no one can do that better than your spouse.
We're human and we get tired. We get worn down. To quote Anton Chekhov
Any idiot can face a crisis; it's day-to-day living that wears you out.The monotony of life can catch you off guard. You love your spouse, you love your kids, you love your job. But you start to slack a little cause you're tired. And pretty soon you wake up one day and wonder "what happened?!" Your marriage can be failing, your kids can seem to have aged overnight, and your job might be overwhelming or even gone. We have the best of intentions but failing is human. And for some reason it is so easy for us to overestimate our efforts and underestimate those of our spouse.
Everyone who marries says the same vows " for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part" and at the time we mean it with all our heart! Cause, let's admit it, we don't really feel like the worse, the poor, or the sick will ever happen to us. I mean, we're in love! We're untouchable, invincible, we're the ones that are gonna make it!! Of course we will cherish and love the other person forever and ever. Duh. But then we don't. The sickness happens..the finance arguments happen...the intention to cherish fades...reality happens and then the 'worse' happens.
How can we make it? This is the hard part: it requires WORK.
If you want to lose weight, how are you going to make that happen? If you scream at yourself that you aren't worth it and that you are a terrible fat person, will that make you thinner? If you sit on the couch eating chips and tell yourself that you will be thinner, will that work? Nope. It's pretty simple but it's not easy. You have to TRY. You have to get off your @$$ and move. You have to STOP eating the crap you love to eat. You have to have will power and say 'no thank you' to the delicious party food. You have to BAN fast food from your diet.
If you want to be rich, how are you going to make that happen? Keep buying lottery tickets and crossing your fingers? Complain to others about how much more you deserve and how the job you have doesn't appreciate you when you should be working? Nope. It's pretty simple but not easy. SPEND LESS THAN WHAT YOU EARN. Maybe take some college classes or job training courses. Ask for more responsibility at work and then give it 110%! Have strong work ethics and live without some stuff now. (I love Dave Ramsey, by the way, and if you haven't read his book--go do it!)
So...if you want a great marriage, how are you going to make that happen? Scream at your spouse about how they never do anything right? Complain to your girlfriends about how you deserve better but then go home and do nothing? Keep an eye out for something better and just stick with this loser until you find the greener grass on the other side? Nope. This one sure as hell isn't easy. You have to TRY. You have to put effort and energy and passion back into your relationship.
How? There are tons of ways but they all involve W-O-R-K. Pick up Love Dare and do it. Read Love and War or Captivating/Wild at Heartby John Eldridge, follow The Five Love Languages or Love and Respect series. Go to a marriage conference or join a small group. Find a couple that's been married for 50 years and ask them how they do it. Pray.
The hardest challenge in making a marriage work is that there are TWO variables instead of just one. But the worst mistake we can make is to say "My spouse needs to change like THIS in order for our marriage to survive".
Benjamin Franklin said it so well ""Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have of changing others." Even if the other person has the biggest issues, picks the fights, is the verbally abusive one...let it go. You have things YOU can change so do that first. Decide what kind of person/spouse you want to be and strive to be that person. The premise of the Love Dare book is a good one: take action and be the first to show love. Initiate the change and see if the other person responds. :)
Is this easy? NO! "Why should I have to be the one to try?! I already do everything!"--might be something you are saying to yourself. Or "It's never going to be good enough." or "We're too far gone already."
Are you afraid because you have already been hurt so much and wonder if digging deep for strength and trying again will get you nowhere? I can only tell you that it's worth the chance.
Don't listen to the world. Don't become a statistic. FIGHT for yourself, for your marriage, for your family. They are worth it. You are worth it. You are loving a FLAWED human being. They once said,
"for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part".Hold them to that promise. Make them want to change as you change. Tell them you don't want to give up. That you know there was something SPECIAL, that you know God brought you two together for a reason and that you are not giving up.
Talk to a pastor, or a friend who wants your marriage to survive, or just pray till your knees give out. Because you promised! Because even as the world says "You tried. It's okay to give up now." God is whispering "Please. Try one more time". Listen to the craving in your heart that says 'I still love him/her and just want to be loved back' and reach out. One...more...time.
I will leave you with one last quote
"Stop talking about love. Every @$$hole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts."So take your "I LOVE YOU" and turn it into actions that scream "I LOVE YOU". The world is full of pain, disappointment, anger, and sadness...but it's also full of miracles. It's full of people who have been where you are right now (or worse) who have said, "I am not giving up" and who have turned things around. They have found joy, hope, happiness, and peace with the person they promised forever to. They've found the love they thought was lost and they would tell you "it's worth it!"
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