Fighting for a Successful Marriage

What if I told you that most marriage conflict was NOT RESOLVABLE?  Wait...what?!  If you are dating or newly married, you probably don't believe me. "Oh, we never fight.And if we did, we'd just talk until we reached an agreement."
If you are divorced, you'd read the above statement and reply with a bitter, "yeah, right. agreement. that'll happen."
But as someone who has had the same arguments for fifteen years, I actually found this statement very freeing. You mean, it's okay to fight? It's normal to not agree on everything?  Yes!

Dr. John Gottman is a wonderful therapist who runs a research and counseling institute in Seattle, Washington. After 40+ years of studying couples, he has some amazing insight. I would highly recommend his books and his seminar. My husband and I were privileged enough to attend a 2-day seminar given by him and his wife; it was great but I'm not sure we were mature enough to understand the lessons the first time.

Rereading through our seminar material, now 10 years later, I was hit hardest by this concept of conflict that is not resolvable. In his manual he quotes Dan Wile who wrote,

"Choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems."

No matter who you marry, you will disagree at some point. His example: Paul married Alice. Alice gets loud at parties and shy Paul hates that. But if Paul had married Susan, they would have fought before they got there because Paul is always late and that would drive Susan crazy! Or if he'd married Gail, they would have missed the party cause they would have fought about housework and then she would have refused to go. And what if Alice had married Steve instead? She would be angry at the party cause Steve was drinking too much. If she'd married Lou, the party would have gone fine but they would have fought when they got home because she knows Lou wants to get frisky and Alice is tired and feels like he is pressuring her. [paraphrased from After the Honeymoon]

Some of the statistics from Gottman's research:

• 69% of arguments were perpetual (still brought up 4 yrs later)
• when arguing, couples who were "happy" had 5 positive interactions (e.g., felt understood, smiled, laughed) for every negative interaction.

His main point on this topic is that the issues are fundamental differences in 1) your personalities and 2) your lifestyle needs that repeatedly create conflict. And these define who you are as a person so any challenge becomes personal!  

How do you move beyond the conflict? Accept what you cannot change. Learn to view your partner's 'shortcomings' as amusing rather than painful and frustrating.  You cannot change who they are. That wonderful spouse you married came with a little bit of baggage you might not like. But you get the whole package...you don't get to pick it apart and exchange the pieces you don't like.

If you understand that you have perpetual problems in your marriage but you can never foresee a day when it will not infuriate you, I would advise you to 1) find a good counselor 2) get one of Gottman's books or 3) attend one of his seminars if you can afford it. 

A good counselor can identify the arguments that you cannot resolve and can help you work through them. Notice I didn't say 'solve them' cause they might not be something you will ever 'solve'. 

Let's use example from my life: do we send our kids to private school or public school? When the topic was brought up originally, we both become defensive. He insinuated that I was a snob and thought I was better than him (public education child), and then taunted me with the fact that he makes more even though he didn't get a fancy education. I saw red and threatened that it was either private school or I'd quit my job (I wasn't going to work for extra money when public school was free). 

After a year of counseling, we have learned how to use techniques to prevent the arguments from getting out of hand. We set time limits, we call time outs, we explain the emotion behind our side. For example, I explain that I went to private school and I want my children to have the same privilege; I want them to be exposed to religion as a normal part of life, I want their class size to be smaller, and I want them to have the experience I did. But then I listen to my husband's response, which includes his experience of being so poor he sometimes ate rice for lunch, and worrying that the cost of private school will affect our life style and that it would force him to work more, and thus see his children less. 

We both wanted the best for our children...but we had a different view of what that was. This problem might sound like it's not perpetual; after all, our children are both in private elementary school now. But then the topic comes up again when we talk about middle school and high school. Ironically, we've swapped sides now. He wants them to stay through high school and I want them to go to the middle school down the street. But neither of us has too much heat behind it at the moment.

That's the other thing we've learned; if you don't have to fight, don't!  lol

Spring: It's more than showing my cellulite

I've been struggling with my weight again. And here's why: I love food.  I admit it. "Hi, my name is Lauren and I love food."  I'm not making excuses. There is nothing I love more than sugar...except maybe sugar combined with salt.  mmmmmm

I am very aware of how weight is gained and lost. I fully understand that to lose weight you have to burn more than you consume.
Weight is not gained because a person is stupid. I would consider myself (and many of my family and friends) to be intelligent but that doesn't stop me from eating two bagels and then finishing my book on the couch during what was to be my running time.

However, I am realizing two very important things that may help me gain the motivation I need to use my knowledge and actually do something about my weight gain:
1) I don't feel great and 2) my children are mimicking my behavior.

So, I'm usually okay treating myself last...or splurging and knowing that there will be repercussions but not really caring at that moment. Maybe I'm stressed or it's a birthday party or the wine is calling my name at the end of a long day but I somehow convince myself that I deserve that treat...I earned it. But this self bribery is impacting my health and that is not okay. I know the icky eating and low activity level is one reason why I keep getting sick (colds, sinus infections, and I've had a few nights with stomach pains, reminiscent of my gallbladder failing days).  And the horrid cycle needs to stop...not having energy so I don't want to work out, which means I feel worse, which means I don't want to work out...

I also don't want my children to have my bad habits, for example "if it's green, i don't want it!" or "but we have ice cream every night!" or "I'll run tomorrow." These are hard habits to break and I know they are formed during the early years.

And I know what I'm doing is a bad example. I sneak mouthfuls of chocolate after they are asleep and while my husband is out in the garage.  I use cash to buy frozen yogurt and McDonalds so I don't have to see it as a line on my mint.com budget items.

By doing this, I am devaluing myself. I am just reaffirming the horrible message that I am not worth more. And that is a lie.
In church service this last Sunday, the pastor spoke about negative talk esp. in our own heads. I beat myself up constantly, "How was that cookie? Worth the tight jeans tomorrow?" And the guilt that piles on does not inspire me to change; in fact, the opposite happens. It stresses me out more and depresses me more, so I eat more and move even less.
Instead of kicking myself over my past error, I need to just get over it. Accept it and move on. As Elsa would say "let it go!" Make a commitment to be better and try again.

It's not just the negative talk that impacts my self worth, it's also the false comparisons.  I am 5'2" and blonde.  Those are facts that would be hard to change (though the hair color has been attempted multiple times ;). So I cannot look at my girlfriend who is 5'8" and brunette and hope to be her someday. And I am a working, married mother of 2 young children. I cannot compare myself to the single friend who goes to the gym everyday after work and makes green smoothies during her quiet mornings. And then there is the media. I think every girl feels fat and unworthy when compared to movie stars and models. I pick up a magazine or turn on the TV and the message is clear: You are imperfect and unworthy.

But those women are not "normal"; it is their job to be perfect...and I think we all need to see more of the before/after PhotoShop jobs. Real women are imperfect and that is okay!
If I let the negative thoughts and impossible comparisons spin in my head, I am letting the devil have the power. I am accepting something as the truth that is a lie. I am committing myself to a lifetime of heartbreak if I continue to do this.

I am me.  This is who I am.  And I like me. I think I'm pretty great. :)  I have a lot of confidence in myself but I can also acknowledge where there are areas that need improvement.

I won't let my scale judge me, but I will let it hold me accountable for my bad decisions.
I won't cry when my favorite jeans are a little tight, but I will wear them on my dinner date to remind me that I don't need dessert...again.
And I will make a conscious effort to be active with my children.  I won't sit and watch them ride their bikes, I will get out there with them. 

Spring should be a time of optimism and cheer as the days get longer and then sun shines brighter. I don't want to be anxious because my sweaters are getting put away and my shorts might have to come out (and they might not fit anymore). I don't want to worry about swimming with my kids cause I have to wear a swimsuit in public. I want to spend my day making choices that I can be proud of. I want to embrace the warmth of the season, shave my legs, and put on a cute little summer dress. And I will.

Guaranteed Mr. Right

One of my new favorite movies is The Timer.  Have you seen it yet? It's on netflix for free so there is no excuse to not watch it.

The premise is so interesting! Here is a blurb: If a clock could count down to the exact moment you meet your soul mate, would you want to know? That's the claim of manufacture's of a new devices called, the TiMER. The next evolutionary step in computer match making, the TiMER lets you know when your perfect match has entered you life. Are you tired of sitting around waiting for love? Your days of watching and wondering are over. Say goodbye to heartache and disappointment. Introducing TiMER, a revolutionary device that tells you not only *who* your soul mate is, but *when* you'll meet them. TiMER, take the guess work out of love.

The movie doesn't really give the full "scientific" explanation for how the timer works but it basically takes the capability tests to a whole new level...it monitors heart rate, oxytocin levels, amongst other things and then tells you "THIS" person is the most compatible for you...your "soul mate"..with a guarantee! It actually 'bings' when your eyes lock on that person for the first time. So you both hear the BING and smile and know...this is it! **dreamy sigh**

Think of what this would mean?  In this imaginary future world, there is almost no divorce. Why?  Because no one is looking for the greener grass on the other side. Someone has told you that this IS your green grass, this is 'the one', your Mr./Mrs. Right; there is no one else more perfect for you than the one you married.

I hate to admit this but I know I am guilty of sometimes questioning whether my husband was the exact perfect one I was supposed to marry. We met in high school and he was my first serious boyfriend. That alone is probably going to make me question my decision, I mean...who falls in love forever at sixteen?!

Add in romance novels, Nicholas Spark movies, and Disney fairy tales...and you wonder, while you sit on the couch and stare at the snoring figure next to you, is this really it?  Is this the happily ever after I get?
When you get flowers once in 5 years, when you have to beg for a date night, when the "romance" is gone...I think it's only natural to wonder...would someone else have done those things for me still? Even after 11 years?
When you fight because you both spend money differently, when your vacation spots are exactly opposite, when your parenting styles conflict...I think it's normal to wonder...would I be happier with someone who had more shared interests?

So let's pretend I am in this new future reality.  And my watch bings and tells me my current spouse is "THE ONE"!  WOW! Think of the confirmation and release of unrealistic expectations!  Alright! The downs suddenly just become a natural part of life...you aren't worried about the future because you know the two of you will make it.  You are his perfect mate and he is yours. The weight is lifted off your shoulders and you are free to just live life with the guarantee that you made the perfect choice.

Life changing?  It shouldn't be but I imagine it would.  We shouldn't be questioning our marriage vows after they are said, but we're human.  And we know there are no guarantees in life...and there is that temptation delivered through our media that says we deserve to be loved and cherished and worshiped all the time!
And when that doesn't happen, we question our supposed 'forever' and wonder if there is an elusive prince out there and we missed him somehow and ended up with this forgetful, unromantic, imperfect man on accident. The little shadow of doubt is allowed to creep into our minds and whisper 'what ifs'.  The timer bing would shut that voice up.

So I have made it my resolution to accept my perfect choice and try my hardest to live with the full belief that my husband IS my one. That I have the guarantee because I choose to make it so. My timer was my heart flutter when I was sixteen and spotted this gorgeous soccer player in the hallway...when I gazed into those baby blues and smiled like an idiot.  BING