Spring: It's more than showing my cellulite

I've been struggling with my weight again. And here's why: I love food.  I admit it. "Hi, my name is Lauren and I love food."  I'm not making excuses. There is nothing I love more than sugar...except maybe sugar combined with salt.  mmmmmm

I am very aware of how weight is gained and lost. I fully understand that to lose weight you have to burn more than you consume.
Weight is not gained because a person is stupid. I would consider myself (and many of my family and friends) to be intelligent but that doesn't stop me from eating two bagels and then finishing my book on the couch during what was to be my running time.

However, I am realizing two very important things that may help me gain the motivation I need to use my knowledge and actually do something about my weight gain:
1) I don't feel great and 2) my children are mimicking my behavior.

So, I'm usually okay treating myself last...or splurging and knowing that there will be repercussions but not really caring at that moment. Maybe I'm stressed or it's a birthday party or the wine is calling my name at the end of a long day but I somehow convince myself that I deserve that treat...I earned it. But this self bribery is impacting my health and that is not okay. I know the icky eating and low activity level is one reason why I keep getting sick (colds, sinus infections, and I've had a few nights with stomach pains, reminiscent of my gallbladder failing days).  And the horrid cycle needs to stop...not having energy so I don't want to work out, which means I feel worse, which means I don't want to work out...

I also don't want my children to have my bad habits, for example "if it's green, i don't want it!" or "but we have ice cream every night!" or "I'll run tomorrow." These are hard habits to break and I know they are formed during the early years.

And I know what I'm doing is a bad example. I sneak mouthfuls of chocolate after they are asleep and while my husband is out in the garage.  I use cash to buy frozen yogurt and McDonalds so I don't have to see it as a line on my mint.com budget items.

By doing this, I am devaluing myself. I am just reaffirming the horrible message that I am not worth more. And that is a lie.
In church service this last Sunday, the pastor spoke about negative talk esp. in our own heads. I beat myself up constantly, "How was that cookie? Worth the tight jeans tomorrow?" And the guilt that piles on does not inspire me to change; in fact, the opposite happens. It stresses me out more and depresses me more, so I eat more and move even less.
Instead of kicking myself over my past error, I need to just get over it. Accept it and move on. As Elsa would say "let it go!" Make a commitment to be better and try again.

It's not just the negative talk that impacts my self worth, it's also the false comparisons.  I am 5'2" and blonde.  Those are facts that would be hard to change (though the hair color has been attempted multiple times ;). So I cannot look at my girlfriend who is 5'8" and brunette and hope to be her someday. And I am a working, married mother of 2 young children. I cannot compare myself to the single friend who goes to the gym everyday after work and makes green smoothies during her quiet mornings. And then there is the media. I think every girl feels fat and unworthy when compared to movie stars and models. I pick up a magazine or turn on the TV and the message is clear: You are imperfect and unworthy.

But those women are not "normal"; it is their job to be perfect...and I think we all need to see more of the before/after PhotoShop jobs. Real women are imperfect and that is okay!
If I let the negative thoughts and impossible comparisons spin in my head, I am letting the devil have the power. I am accepting something as the truth that is a lie. I am committing myself to a lifetime of heartbreak if I continue to do this.

I am me.  This is who I am.  And I like me. I think I'm pretty great. :)  I have a lot of confidence in myself but I can also acknowledge where there are areas that need improvement.

I won't let my scale judge me, but I will let it hold me accountable for my bad decisions.
I won't cry when my favorite jeans are a little tight, but I will wear them on my dinner date to remind me that I don't need dessert...again.
And I will make a conscious effort to be active with my children.  I won't sit and watch them ride their bikes, I will get out there with them. 

Spring should be a time of optimism and cheer as the days get longer and then sun shines brighter. I don't want to be anxious because my sweaters are getting put away and my shorts might have to come out (and they might not fit anymore). I don't want to worry about swimming with my kids cause I have to wear a swimsuit in public. I want to spend my day making choices that I can be proud of. I want to embrace the warmth of the season, shave my legs, and put on a cute little summer dress. And I will.