What if I told you that most marriage conflict was NOT RESOLVABLE? Wait...what?! If you are dating or newly married, you probably don't believe me. "Oh, we never fight.And if we did, we'd just talk until we reached an agreement."If you are divorced, you'd read the above statement and reply with a bitter, "yeah, right. agreement. that'll happen."
But as someone who has had the same arguments for fifteen years, I actually found this statement very freeing. You mean, it's okay to fight? It's normal to not agree on everything? Yes!
Dr. John Gottman is a wonderful therapist who runs a research and counseling institute in Seattle, Washington. After 40+ years of studying couples, he has some amazing insight. I would highly recommend his books and his seminar. My husband and I were privileged enough to attend a 2-day seminar given by him and his wife; it was great but I'm not sure we were mature enough to understand the lessons the first time.
Rereading through our seminar material, now 10 years later, I was hit hardest by this concept of conflict that is not resolvable. In his manual he quotes Dan Wile who wrote,
"Choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems."No matter who you marry, you will disagree at some point. His example: Paul married Alice. Alice gets loud at parties and shy Paul hates that. But if Paul had married Susan, they would have fought before they got there because Paul is always late and that would drive Susan crazy! Or if he'd married Gail, they would have missed the party cause they would have fought about housework and then she would have refused to go. And what if Alice had married Steve instead? She would be angry at the party cause Steve was drinking too much. If she'd married Lou, the party would have gone fine but they would have fought when they got home because she knows Lou wants to get frisky and Alice is tired and feels like he is pressuring her. [paraphrased from After the Honeymoon]
Some of the statistics from Gottman's research:
- 69% of arguments were perpetual (still brought up 4 yrs later)
- when arguing, couples who were "happy" had 5 positive interactions (e.g., felt understood, smiled, laughed) for every negative interaction.
His main point on this topic is that the issues are fundamental differences in 1) your personalities and 2) your lifestyle needs that repeatedly create conflict. And these define who you are as a person so any challenge becomes personal!
How do you move beyond the conflict? Accept what you cannot change. Learn to view your partner's 'shortcomings' as amusing rather than painful and frustrating. You cannot change who they are. That wonderful spouse you married came with a little bit of baggage you might not like. But you get the whole package...you don't get to pick it apart and exchange the pieces you don't like.
If you understand that you have perpetual problems in your marriage but you can never foresee a day when it will not infuriate you, I would advise you to 1) find a good counselor 2) get one of Gottman's books or 3) attend one of his seminars if you can afford it.
A good counselor can identify the arguments that you cannot resolve and can help you work through them. Notice I didn't say 'solve them' cause they might not be something you will ever 'solve'.
Let's use example from my life: do we send our kids to private school or public school? When the topic was brought up originally, we both become defensive. He insinuated that I was a snob and thought I was better than him (public education child), and then taunted me with the fact that he makes more even though he didn't get a fancy education. I saw red and threatened that it was either private school or I'd quit my job (I wasn't going to work for extra money when public school was free).
After a year of counseling, we have learned how to use techniques to prevent the arguments from getting out of hand. We set time limits, we call time outs, we explain the emotion behind our side. For example, I explain that I went to private school and I want my children to have the same privilege; I want them to be exposed to religion as a normal part of life, I want their class size to be smaller, and I want them to have the experience I did. But then I listen to my husband's response, which includes his experience of being so poor he sometimes ate rice for lunch, and worrying that the cost of private school will affect our life style and that it would force him to work more, and thus see his children less.
We both wanted the best for our children...but we had a different view of what that was. This problem might sound like it's not perpetual; after all, our children are both in private elementary school now. But then the topic comes up again when we talk about middle school and high school. Ironically, we've swapped sides now. He wants them to stay through high school and I want them to go to the middle school down the street. But neither of us has too much heat behind it at the moment.
That's the other thing we've learned; if you don't have to fight, don't! lol
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