MARRIAGE IS HARD

REPOSTED from my facebook page:
Marriage is hard.
Quote from Glennon Doyle Melton, "Instead of making peace, we are keeping the peace." Boy, do I feel that. Most days, it's just going through the motions and the only conversations we have are around logistics (who is taking which kid where). I mean, who has time to get into anything deeper than that?!
"It's just a phase," they tell me.
And I understand that there are phases of life but we can't keep saying "Let's coast until we get through this"phase."!! Because then the next phase comes and we're still too busy and too tired! I don't know about you guys but life is NOT slowing down. And the stuff we put off is not going away on it's own (*shock*).
And maybe we think that other person will still be there when things settle down. But what if they're not? Or what if they are but they aren't the same person?
Knowing each other requires intimacy...and that comes from deep-diving into each other's lives. But intimacy takes effort and deliberate actions. It takes shifting our priorities and putting our marriage relationship at the top of our TO DO list (God first for me). Above our jobs, above our families, above our friends, above our hobbies. But after putting it off for so long, now finding that closeness isn't always fun. In fact, it might be uncomfortable, tedious or frustrating.
And in a world where something breaks and we just replace it...it's discouraging because fixing something feels so HARD to me. It's heavy. Easy would be: Not now. Keep the peace for now. We'll do the hard stuff when we have more [time, energy] or less [work, stress, kid activities, social pressure].
But the hard stuff isn't going away! And the longer it sits, the heavier it gets. And all that heavy is suddenly blocking the love. Until it's too heavy to lift alone.
And that's when you pray really really hard. And those two people better start working together and using muscles they haven't used in years. And you know what? It burns and hurts and it doesn't feel like love. In fact, it feels like pain. And pain is something we are taught to avoid. But what if we can't? What if we have to push through the pain to find the love? Maybe all that procrastination means it's going to be tougher than it's ever been. FIXING is going to be hard. Maybe even harder than replacing. There's no instruction manual. No YouTube video. No easy button. Just two people trying to move that heavy and find each other again.

Being Everything To Everyone

Without quite understanding it, I realized yesterday that I was exhausted from trying so hard to be what I thought others were expecting.  I noticed that I was tuning myself to each person and forcing myself to present the ideal version ME--specific to the person I was focused on in that moment.  And I wondered later, "Who am I? Really?" and "Why don't I feel good enough to just be the same person all the time?"

I don't  know if anyone else struggles with this, but there are so many "perfects" that I keep trying to be.  I didn't realize how often I was doing it. And how utterly exhausting it is.

Wife                                                                Mother

 

Social Media Profile                                                             Woman

Party Hostess

Employee/Potential New Hire/Admired Coworker/Mentor/Leader   

Friend

Daughter

Home Owner/Neighbor/Holly Homemaker

EVERYTHING TO EVERYONE

But no one can be all of those.  Most of us can't even be ONE of those.  You can't make everything a priority in life! You've got to pick.  You can't be the patient mother with the perfectly-mannered children, throwing the perfect themed party (with cakes you personally decorated), and also the six-figure corporate success with the 36-24-36 model body, and also the person who organized, cleaned, and dressed up the home all from scratch and garage sale finds that she repurposed following her pinterest boards, and also the envy of all your husband's friends because you meet all of his needs, never nag, and encourage him to have unlimited guy/beer nights; oh and, of course, you are also there for all of your 47 friends when they need you...and all of your profile pictures are perfect...no  matter the angle.

But we try sometimes, don't we?  I'd like to be brave enough this half of the year to post some #reallife photos on my social media sites.  Like "this is my half-finished yard with the weeds taller than me" and "this is my dirty house" and "this is me going for a run because if I stayed home I would scream at my husband and/or both of my children."  Cause that's real.  That's me.  And I'm still pretty awesome. I'm just not perfect. 

What Have You Forgotten?

Have you read “What Alice Forgot” by Liane Moriarty?  If not, please do so.  This book (and author) are in my top 10. This book just really resonated with me.  The basic premise (and tell me this doesn't make you want to instantly download it): Forty-year-old Alice hits her head and when she wakes up--she has forgotten the last ten years of her life.  Her last memory is being a very happy newlywed with their first child on the way.  Reality? She’s a nearly divorced mother of three. You can imagine her shock.

The thoughts and emotions this “younger” Alice goes through are so well written.  She cannot even begin to grasp how her adoring husband could actually not just dislike her but maybe even hate her.  Surrounded by her loud children with jam-packed schedules, she struggles to understand how life got so busy. Her friends have all become "we should really get together soon" friends, and everyone seems so exhausted and grouchy.

Before her memory loss, she told a friend the #1 reason for divorce and it was: lack of sleep.  This was a crazy explanation to the young, unmarried, childless person she told it to; however, if you have kids, you will probably just nod your head in commiseration.

The other aspect of the story I found so eye-opening was seeing past arguments not only from both sides (husband/wife) but also from the view of the young, naive, totally-in-love Alice.  When her nearly-ex husband explains some of their fights, she just can’t understand.  “Why were we arguing about Christmas in July?  Why did I yell at you for eating cherries?  Who cares if the kids wore mismatched clothing?  Why were we forcing our daughter to play a sport she doesn’t even like?”  It was mind-boggling to her. 

But as she begins to get her memory back, you see the view of the tired, disillusioned, perfection-driven mom/wife.  And I’ll tell you, it makes the case for “the straw that broke the camel’s back.”  The nearly-ex was right when he said, “There were a millions reasons why we were divorcing.”  Because it’s not about one thing someone did.  It’s every tiny little thing that hurts and then festers and grows into this huge, unmanageable thing.  Every time the person is insulted or treated unfairly or forgotten or made to feel stupid...each barb hits and chips away at the armor until each person is so broken, they snap.  And the marriage is shattered.

Alice looks through the photo albums trying to find something that says “divorce is coming” but she can’t--they look happy.  They’re smiling, they’re standing close to each other, they’re laughing...where is the hurt and anger?  You can’t see it from behind the lens.  

It’s in the snappy comments in front of your kids or your friends.  It’s when couples start taking separate vacations, it’s when finances become his/hers instead of ours, it’s when spending 'quality' time together becomes being on separate electronic devices in the same room.  The camera won’t catch the chips and barbs.

So what’s the lesson here?  [Besides the fact that you need to go get this book to find out how it all ends?] Maybe it’s stepping back and looking at your life through the lens of yourself...ten years ago. What would that youngster think of your life priorities?  Of the way you treat your spouse--that person you adored?  Would they laugh at your controlling nature and nitpicking? At your anal retentiveness over needing every meal to be organic and healthy? At your inability to put your phone away?  At your constant accrual of impressive materialistic things? At your failure to enjoy the simple joy of a hot coffee or a tiny hug or the laughter of your children?

Take a moment and appreciate what you have...how far you’ve come...and remember what is most important.  It should be the one sitting next to you.  Look them in the eyes and tell them that. It’s never too late to find your way back.

Love that gets through the tough times, that has painful memories as much as it has happy ones, that stood the tests time threw at it, that grew in spite of all the pitfalls...that is the greatest love of all.

Fighting for a Successful Marriage

What if I told you that most marriage conflict was NOT RESOLVABLE?  Wait...what?!  If you are dating or newly married, you probably don't believe me. "Oh, we never fight.And if we did, we'd just talk until we reached an agreement."
If you are divorced, you'd read the above statement and reply with a bitter, "yeah, right. agreement. that'll happen."
But as someone who has had the same arguments for fifteen years, I actually found this statement very freeing. You mean, it's okay to fight? It's normal to not agree on everything?  Yes!

Dr. John Gottman is a wonderful therapist who runs a research and counseling institute in Seattle, Washington. After 40+ years of studying couples, he has some amazing insight. I would highly recommend his books and his seminar. My husband and I were privileged enough to attend a 2-day seminar given by him and his wife; it was great but I'm not sure we were mature enough to understand the lessons the first time.

Rereading through our seminar material, now 10 years later, I was hit hardest by this concept of conflict that is not resolvable. In his manual he quotes Dan Wile who wrote,

"Choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems."

No matter who you marry, you will disagree at some point. His example: Paul married Alice. Alice gets loud at parties and shy Paul hates that. But if Paul had married Susan, they would have fought before they got there because Paul is always late and that would drive Susan crazy! Or if he'd married Gail, they would have missed the party cause they would have fought about housework and then she would have refused to go. And what if Alice had married Steve instead? She would be angry at the party cause Steve was drinking too much. If she'd married Lou, the party would have gone fine but they would have fought when they got home because she knows Lou wants to get frisky and Alice is tired and feels like he is pressuring her. [paraphrased from After the Honeymoon]

Some of the statistics from Gottman's research:

• 69% of arguments were perpetual (still brought up 4 yrs later)
• when arguing, couples who were "happy" had 5 positive interactions (e.g., felt understood, smiled, laughed) for every negative interaction.

His main point on this topic is that the issues are fundamental differences in 1) your personalities and 2) your lifestyle needs that repeatedly create conflict. And these define who you are as a person so any challenge becomes personal!  

How do you move beyond the conflict? Accept what you cannot change. Learn to view your partner's 'shortcomings' as amusing rather than painful and frustrating.  You cannot change who they are. That wonderful spouse you married came with a little bit of baggage you might not like. But you get the whole package...you don't get to pick it apart and exchange the pieces you don't like.

If you understand that you have perpetual problems in your marriage but you can never foresee a day when it will not infuriate you, I would advise you to 1) find a good counselor 2) get one of Gottman's books or 3) attend one of his seminars if you can afford it. 

A good counselor can identify the arguments that you cannot resolve and can help you work through them. Notice I didn't say 'solve them' cause they might not be something you will ever 'solve'. 

Let's use example from my life: do we send our kids to private school or public school? When the topic was brought up originally, we both become defensive. He insinuated that I was a snob and thought I was better than him (public education child), and then taunted me with the fact that he makes more even though he didn't get a fancy education. I saw red and threatened that it was either private school or I'd quit my job (I wasn't going to work for extra money when public school was free). 

After a year of counseling, we have learned how to use techniques to prevent the arguments from getting out of hand. We set time limits, we call time outs, we explain the emotion behind our side. For example, I explain that I went to private school and I want my children to have the same privilege; I want them to be exposed to religion as a normal part of life, I want their class size to be smaller, and I want them to have the experience I did. But then I listen to my husband's response, which includes his experience of being so poor he sometimes ate rice for lunch, and worrying that the cost of private school will affect our life style and that it would force him to work more, and thus see his children less. 

We both wanted the best for our children...but we had a different view of what that was. This problem might sound like it's not perpetual; after all, our children are both in private elementary school now. But then the topic comes up again when we talk about middle school and high school. Ironically, we've swapped sides now. He wants them to stay through high school and I want them to go to the middle school down the street. But neither of us has too much heat behind it at the moment.

That's the other thing we've learned; if you don't have to fight, don't!  lol

Spring: It's more than showing my cellulite

I've been struggling with my weight again. And here's why: I love food.  I admit it. "Hi, my name is Lauren and I love food."  I'm not making excuses. There is nothing I love more than sugar...except maybe sugar combined with salt.  mmmmmm

I am very aware of how weight is gained and lost. I fully understand that to lose weight you have to burn more than you consume.
Weight is not gained because a person is stupid. I would consider myself (and many of my family and friends) to be intelligent but that doesn't stop me from eating two bagels and then finishing my book on the couch during what was to be my running time.

However, I am realizing two very important things that may help me gain the motivation I need to use my knowledge and actually do something about my weight gain:
1) I don't feel great and 2) my children are mimicking my behavior.

So, I'm usually okay treating myself last...or splurging and knowing that there will be repercussions but not really caring at that moment. Maybe I'm stressed or it's a birthday party or the wine is calling my name at the end of a long day but I somehow convince myself that I deserve that treat...I earned it. But this self bribery is impacting my health and that is not okay. I know the icky eating and low activity level is one reason why I keep getting sick (colds, sinus infections, and I've had a few nights with stomach pains, reminiscent of my gallbladder failing days).  And the horrid cycle needs to stop...not having energy so I don't want to work out, which means I feel worse, which means I don't want to work out...

I also don't want my children to have my bad habits, for example "if it's green, i don't want it!" or "but we have ice cream every night!" or "I'll run tomorrow." These are hard habits to break and I know they are formed during the early years.

And I know what I'm doing is a bad example. I sneak mouthfuls of chocolate after they are asleep and while my husband is out in the garage.  I use cash to buy frozen yogurt and McDonalds so I don't have to see it as a line on my mint.com budget items.

By doing this, I am devaluing myself. I am just reaffirming the horrible message that I am not worth more. And that is a lie.
In church service this last Sunday, the pastor spoke about negative talk esp. in our own heads. I beat myself up constantly, "How was that cookie? Worth the tight jeans tomorrow?" And the guilt that piles on does not inspire me to change; in fact, the opposite happens. It stresses me out more and depresses me more, so I eat more and move even less.
Instead of kicking myself over my past error, I need to just get over it. Accept it and move on. As Elsa would say "let it go!" Make a commitment to be better and try again.

It's not just the negative talk that impacts my self worth, it's also the false comparisons.  I am 5'2" and blonde.  Those are facts that would be hard to change (though the hair color has been attempted multiple times ;). So I cannot look at my girlfriend who is 5'8" and brunette and hope to be her someday. And I am a working, married mother of 2 young children. I cannot compare myself to the single friend who goes to the gym everyday after work and makes green smoothies during her quiet mornings. And then there is the media. I think every girl feels fat and unworthy when compared to movie stars and models. I pick up a magazine or turn on the TV and the message is clear: You are imperfect and unworthy.

But those women are not "normal"; it is their job to be perfect...and I think we all need to see more of the before/after PhotoShop jobs. Real women are imperfect and that is okay!
If I let the negative thoughts and impossible comparisons spin in my head, I am letting the devil have the power. I am accepting something as the truth that is a lie. I am committing myself to a lifetime of heartbreak if I continue to do this.

I am me.  This is who I am.  And I like me. I think I'm pretty great. :)  I have a lot of confidence in myself but I can also acknowledge where there are areas that need improvement.

I won't let my scale judge me, but I will let it hold me accountable for my bad decisions.
I won't cry when my favorite jeans are a little tight, but I will wear them on my dinner date to remind me that I don't need dessert...again.
And I will make a conscious effort to be active with my children.  I won't sit and watch them ride their bikes, I will get out there with them. 

Spring should be a time of optimism and cheer as the days get longer and then sun shines brighter. I don't want to be anxious because my sweaters are getting put away and my shorts might have to come out (and they might not fit anymore). I don't want to worry about swimming with my kids cause I have to wear a swimsuit in public. I want to spend my day making choices that I can be proud of. I want to embrace the warmth of the season, shave my legs, and put on a cute little summer dress. And I will.

Guaranteed Mr. Right

One of my new favorite movies is The Timer.  Have you seen it yet? It's on netflix for free so there is no excuse to not watch it.

The premise is so interesting! Here is a blurb: If a clock could count down to the exact moment you meet your soul mate, would you want to know? That's the claim of manufacture's of a new devices called, the TiMER. The next evolutionary step in computer match making, the TiMER lets you know when your perfect match has entered you life. Are you tired of sitting around waiting for love? Your days of watching and wondering are over. Say goodbye to heartache and disappointment. Introducing TiMER, a revolutionary device that tells you not only *who* your soul mate is, but *when* you'll meet them. TiMER, take the guess work out of love.

The movie doesn't really give the full "scientific" explanation for how the timer works but it basically takes the capability tests to a whole new level...it monitors heart rate, oxytocin levels, amongst other things and then tells you "THIS" person is the most compatible for you...your "soul mate"..with a guarantee! It actually 'bings' when your eyes lock on that person for the first time. So you both hear the BING and smile and know...this is it! **dreamy sigh**

Think of what this would mean?  In this imaginary future world, there is almost no divorce. Why?  Because no one is looking for the greener grass on the other side. Someone has told you that this IS your green grass, this is 'the one', your Mr./Mrs. Right; there is no one else more perfect for you than the one you married.

I hate to admit this but I know I am guilty of sometimes questioning whether my husband was the exact perfect one I was supposed to marry. We met in high school and he was my first serious boyfriend. That alone is probably going to make me question my decision, I mean...who falls in love forever at sixteen?!

Add in romance novels, Nicholas Spark movies, and Disney fairy tales...and you wonder, while you sit on the couch and stare at the snoring figure next to you, is this really it?  Is this the happily ever after I get?
When you get flowers once in 5 years, when you have to beg for a date night, when the "romance" is gone...I think it's only natural to wonder...would someone else have done those things for me still? Even after 11 years?
When you fight because you both spend money differently, when your vacation spots are exactly opposite, when your parenting styles conflict...I think it's normal to wonder...would I be happier with someone who had more shared interests?

So let's pretend I am in this new future reality.  And my watch bings and tells me my current spouse is "THE ONE"!  WOW! Think of the confirmation and release of unrealistic expectations!  Alright! The downs suddenly just become a natural part of life...you aren't worried about the future because you know the two of you will make it.  You are his perfect mate and he is yours. The weight is lifted off your shoulders and you are free to just live life with the guarantee that you made the perfect choice.

Life changing?  It shouldn't be but I imagine it would.  We shouldn't be questioning our marriage vows after they are said, but we're human.  And we know there are no guarantees in life...and there is that temptation delivered through our media that says we deserve to be loved and cherished and worshiped all the time!
And when that doesn't happen, we question our supposed 'forever' and wonder if there is an elusive prince out there and we missed him somehow and ended up with this forgetful, unromantic, imperfect man on accident. The little shadow of doubt is allowed to creep into our minds and whisper 'what ifs'.  The timer bing would shut that voice up.

So I have made it my resolution to accept my perfect choice and try my hardest to live with the full belief that my husband IS my one. That I have the guarantee because I choose to make it so. My timer was my heart flutter when I was sixteen and spotted this gorgeous soccer player in the hallway...when I gazed into those baby blues and smiled like an idiot.  BING

Insight for Spouse, Friend, Coworkers...

I have a confession to make...I LOVE personality quizzes!  I love taking a random internet quiz and then reading the result that attempts to explain who I am. :)  This one is my new favorite: I'm Spontaneous Idealist...what are you?
Have some fun!  Click the link and comment back and let me know what you are and how accurate it was for you.
I found it EERIE cause it is me to a T.

After reading my friends results, I am struck again by what an amazing world we live in with so many different people and personalities.  I love the variety! And that many of us manage to live in harmony is pretty impressive, when you think about it.

I have to be careful and remind myself that with the variety there needs to be sensitivity.  I've recently been coached on this at work...I'll use this quote from the quiz results to explain myself:

Spontaneous Idealists are masters of communication and very amusing and gifted entertainers. Fun and variety are guaranteed when they are around. However, they are sometimes too impulsive in dealing with others and can hurt people without really meaning to do so, due to their direct and sometimes critical nature.

I am a positive and enthusiastic person with a smile on 90% of the time.  I take criticism pretty well because I know it's an opportunity to grow, I have confidence, and I can turn just about anything into a positive. :) But I forget other people may be more sensitive and this has been a flaw of mine I'm working on improving. Some people are not as naturally optimistic as me and negative feedback may actually...hurt their feelings. *gasp* Something that never occurred to me till it was pointed out.

This article also gave me an 'ah-ha' moment regarding my marriage.  As my blog has mainly been about my personal struggles, I was curious about the relationship portion of this quiz:

If Spontaneous Idealists have just fallen in love, the sky is full of violins and their new partners are showered with attention and affection. This type then bubbles over with charm, tenderness and imagination. But, unfortunately, it soon becomes boring for them once the novelty has worn off. Boring everyday life in a partnership is not for them so that many Spontaneous Idealists slip from one affair into another. However, should the partner manage to keep their curiosity alive and not let routine and familiarity gain the upper hand, Spontaneous Idealists can be inspiring and loving partners.

If you had asked me previous to taking this, "Lauren, do you get bored in your relationships?" I'm not sure my answer would have been 'yes'. Because that would be admitting to a flaw that seems pretty immature to me. But after taking time to consider if that may be a real weakness of mine...I will admit that it may be more true than I want it to be.

When we stopped doing date night and the mundane routine of life took over...I went on autopilot.  I think my husband did too.  (And at the time, it was a survival requirement...with 2 children under the age of 3.) But that is when things started to get tough.  It makes sense because I want to be challenged and I want to have fun...and I wasn't getting either in my marriage. What a nice reminder that what I loving refer to as my "life ADD" is a part of my personality and not something I need to be ashamed of.  It's something I can admit to and then turn it into specific advice for myself:  "Lauren, make your marriage fun!  If you aren't having fun with your spouse, you're gonna get into that rut again."

Along this same line, it will come as no surprise that my top love language is quality time. Doing something...ANYTHING other than dinner, dishes, bathtime, bedtime every single stinkin' night seems to be the secret to my success. :)

Some people are critical of my need to constantly be doing something new and fun, and now I know why. They have a different personality type and would never be interested in doing that themselves.  To them harmony, peace, routine, and reliability are core strengths and the idea of going on vacation every single weekend may seem insane. I've been given the "work first then play" talk many times by my mother and have worried that my  'I want to play' attitude was immature. But my mother is a planner and a loving homebody who would be out of her comfort zone if she did something on a whim. Neither attitude is WRONG.  This is my new insight and accepting this as natural is so freeing for me.

We all have expectations from family, friends, coworkers, managers...but we are who we are.  So if you are butting heads with someone, it's probably because their personality is different...not because one of you is right and the other is wrong.  Take a moment to step back and look at both views as valid, and appreciate both sides.  Then maybe you need to do what I did:  Accept that both are truths and maybe even give yourself permission to think the "wrong" way...cause it might not be wrong.  Always be open to compromise and to growing in depth of ourselves and understanding of others, but don't change yourself just to please someone else. You won't be happy.

Now, we have to be more cautious of fully embracing "I am who I am" in our marriages.  I can't tell you the number of times I've heard someone say "this is who I am!  Accept it or leave." If you LOVE your significant other and you want them to be happy and you want to be happy, you can't stomp your foot down and expect complete acceptance.  Compromise is key to both people finding harmony and happiness.

If you and your spouse are opposites, try compromising on the basics.

If she's a planner and you're the spontaneous one, let her plan the trip a month in advance but keep it a secret. Then you are surprised and get to go with the flow and she gets to take the time to get comfortable with it and analyze all the choices before she makes them. :)

If she is a social butterfly and you are the introvert, don't think letting her have her girls night once/week is going to be enough.  She most likely wants you to be there with her when she's fluttering. :)  So find a compromise and be willing to go out with her so many times a month and in return get her to snuggle with you on the couch regularly.

Remember: If you both continually ask "what can I do to make my spouse smile today?" you're on the road to happily ever after.