"I couldn't change without you; you reflect me, I know that about you...it's like you're my mirror...my mirror staring back at me." Oh, the wise words of Justin Timberlake. :)
Think about how frequently another person's attitude can affect ours (as we become a mirror to their attitude). If a coworker is frustrated, how quickly do you share that frustration? When a parent is cranky, how often do the kids turn cranky (and vice versa)? When a complete stranger shares their bad attitude with you (criticizing your product or service), well if you were a ray of sunshine before you definitely aren't now!
Now think about your interaction with your spouse. Is it negative or critical? Is it filled with frustration or anger? The Great Author wrote "love is patient. love is kind." Would your spouse describe you using either of those adjectives? If not, there is a problem.
I'm writing this blog with full disclosure. I don't think my husband would say that I have been patient or as kind as I could have been over the last year. We just celebrated 11 years of marriage and we almost didn't make it.
Back Story: My husband and I started dating in high school and our fighting started off very juvenile...and I'm ashamed to say it's not matured as quickly as I would have liked it to. But once you start fighting in a certain way, it becomes a habit that's hard to break. Our endless efforts to prove the other was 'more wrong' or to keep tallying points to show who was giving less fed our need for self protection but nearly destroyed our marriage. If there is anything that can destroy a marriage, it's selfishness. And I don't just mean "I want this and (s)he won't let me have it" kind of selfishness. But the "I am right" kind. To be unselfish means to show patience and kindness even when you don't want to, and that means opening yourself up to potential hurt.
"Love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrong doing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
Are you jealous of your spouse?
Are you prideful or arrogant or rude?
This is a natural progression of not being loving: meanness breeds more meanness. Arrogance easily leads to insistence of your way which leads to resentment and irritability and potentially to hate. And it is easy to get caught up in this cycle of discontent (we did). Especially because the world supports us in this: as long as you have a reason to act that way, then it's "right". Because we all have a right to be happy and a right to have our realistic expectations met and a right to be treated well.
The world will tell you that your spouse is failing and needs to step up because they promised to love you (which means treating you well, meeting your expectations, and making you happy). And that is true but if search your heart, I bet you'd find you're failing too. Because if the symptoms of not loving are present (resentment, rudeness, jealousy, pride) then love is absent...on both sides.
The problem is, when we are unhappy we go into self protection mode. And that means justifying the way you feel so you don't feel worse. Cause if I feel like crap and the reason is because my spouse did something wrong AND so did I...well that doesn't make me feel any better! But if I did a tiny thing wrong and they did a HUGE thing wrong...well, now that does make me feel better...because I'm less wrong. And when I justify my anger as righteous, then I'm starting to put myself above my spouse (arrogance, pride) and I can't believe they would act the way they did towards me (resentment, envy) and of course it was okay for me to act the way I did back (rude) because I have logical data to support my story. And my story is the full and correct version (arrogance again). See where I'm going with this? :)
And my well-meaning friends and family (who want only the best for me) will agree with me. Why? Because they love me. They want nothing but my happiness, and they know I'm almost always right. ;) And because maybe...just a tiny bit...I tell the story with my bias. I highlight my spouse's wrongs and acknowledge but downplay my own. Cause now I'm gathering evidence for my side of the case. I have supporters who can testify that I had reasonable cause. Piling on the proof and validation of the wrong does not make it right though! It simply causes more strife and conflict, but resolves nothing.
But let's be honest (girls), we do not want to hear our friends say "Ugh! That jerk! You should be patient and kind with him."
Friends want us to be treated like royalty; spoiled, pampered and radiant with happiness. But that means I get to win every argument and have my way all the time, and that means my husband would lose every time. So me winning=my marriage NOT winning. And what kind of person would I be if I always got my way? Anyone know a child like that? Ya...it's usually not pretty.
We need someone to challenge us to constantly be better. Think of the early years of marriage as a form of growing up. As parents of young children, we want to protect them from everything bad; we want to prevent them from getting physically hurt, from ever having their heart broken, from ever being disappointment. We want to give them everything they need and want...but what a selfish, spoiled child we would create. And then we'd be stuck with them! lol
Adversity builds character
In the same way, we might struggle early in our marriage, but that is okay! In fact, I'd say there was something wrong if you didn't struggle. Two completely different people are thrown together every single day to make decisions that impact not only them but an entire family and they are supposed to do all of this with a smile while loving everyone and fulfilling their every need. Ya. Right.
My husband and I have been through a lot in the last 16 years together. We've coped with unexpected medical issues, financial issues, lawsuits, home building, unemployment, years of long-distance relationship, loss of loved ones, and more. And we've been down the dark and lonely road of self protection and selfishness.
And this is where my dear friend, John, comes in. When I was in search of marriage advice, I wrote to him; even though he is younger than me, in some ways he is wise beyond my years. His reply caught me off guard. It was the longest Facebook message I have ever received and it was like a slap in the face. A summary of the 3 pages would probably be
"you are being selfish and if you keep acting this way, you will win but your marriage will lose. Do you want to be right or be happily married? I suggest you suck it up and love your jerk of a husband that you chose to marry even if you don't feel like it anymore."
If John had spoken these words in person, I'm not sure what I would have done. Either punched him in the throat or cried. But I know he said every word with love. It was just hard to hear. John gave tough love in that email because he knew the bigger picture. He could have told me something to make me feel better in that moment (tell me what I wanted to hear) but he didn't. He knew feeding my excuse list might cause my marriage to worsen and would only bring me further heartache. Instead, he spoke to me in wisdom and truth and hurt my feelings...but also gave the potential to heal a hurting relationship.
Unfortunately, it took me 6 months to fully hear what John was telling me. I continued on my road of self righteousness and ignored his words of wisdom...and, of course, didn't email him again for a long time. I reread that email recently and was inspired to write this post. Because sometimes you just can't hear this kind of advice from a friend or family member...because it's another person you love inflicting pain when you are already in pain from the one you love the most. But the twisted truth is that sometimes we need to feel the pain and acknowledge failure before we can be ready to try again.
THE ACTION
If you have something about your spouse that drives you crazy, try something new. Try to figure out why God put that person with that 'fault' in your life (hint: to help you grow in some way). Example: My husband wants to play all the time. He'd never do another chore again if he had a choice, which drives me batty some days. I get anxiety over chores and trying to plan for every single thing, which drives him crazy.
But you know what? That sense of adventure and spontaneity was a huge attraction when we were dating. Maybe God knew what he was doing when he threw these two extremes together; putting a bookworm who spends her weekends cleaning (while dreaming of adventure) with an explorer who lives life to the fullest but will never remember to put his dirty clothes into the basket. If these two can find harmony together...what a beautiful life that will be!!
But what would happen if we didn't find harmony and instead spent years trying to convince the other person that WE were right and complained bitterly about how boring or irresponsible the other person was? I'll tell you: misery followed by papers citing "irreconcilable differences".
Instead of lamenting our differences, we should be thanking God for them! In a Lisa Kleypas book (Smooth Talking Stranger) a character says,
"Both of you can thrive on your differences, as long as you respect them...[in fact], we usually learn the most about ourselves from people who are different from us."
Think about that. That is a powerful statement that we should be reminded of all the time, not just in our marriage. I try to listen to someone with a differing view point and show respect for them, even if I disagree with them. But do I offer that same respect to my husband when we differ? I don't know if I do but I should. If I want to be loved, I need to first be loving. My husband is my reflection; there is nothing I can do that doesn't impact him. One of us cannot change without changing the other.
When two people who love each other fight, they are trying to become one without losing the essence of their own personality and belief. They struggle to find the balance that allows each person to be themselves while compromising enough to find the harmony within their differences.
But when I hear "a successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person," I think I finally understand that. Because I find myself doing that now. We fell apart and lost each other for a moment and now we are coming back together. I find myself learning new things, looking at him with new eyes, and marveling at the love we've held onto that continues to grow.
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