Insight for Spouse, Friend, Coworkers...

I have a confession to make...I LOVE personality quizzes!  I love taking a random internet quiz and then reading the result that attempts to explain who I am. :)  This one is my new favorite: I'm Spontaneous Idealist...what are you?
Have some fun!  Click the link and comment back and let me know what you are and how accurate it was for you.
I found it EERIE cause it is me to a T.

After reading my friends results, I am struck again by what an amazing world we live in with so many different people and personalities.  I love the variety! And that many of us manage to live in harmony is pretty impressive, when you think about it.

I have to be careful and remind myself that with the variety there needs to be sensitivity.  I've recently been coached on this at work...I'll use this quote from the quiz results to explain myself:

Spontaneous Idealists are masters of communication and very amusing and gifted entertainers. Fun and variety are guaranteed when they are around. However, they are sometimes too impulsive in dealing with others and can hurt people without really meaning to do so, due to their direct and sometimes critical nature.

I am a positive and enthusiastic person with a smile on 90% of the time.  I take criticism pretty well because I know it's an opportunity to grow, I have confidence, and I can turn just about anything into a positive. :) But I forget other people may be more sensitive and this has been a flaw of mine I'm working on improving. Some people are not as naturally optimistic as me and negative feedback may actually...hurt their feelings. *gasp* Something that never occurred to me till it was pointed out.

This article also gave me an 'ah-ha' moment regarding my marriage.  As my blog has mainly been about my personal struggles, I was curious about the relationship portion of this quiz:

If Spontaneous Idealists have just fallen in love, the sky is full of violins and their new partners are showered with attention and affection. This type then bubbles over with charm, tenderness and imagination. But, unfortunately, it soon becomes boring for them once the novelty has worn off. Boring everyday life in a partnership is not for them so that many Spontaneous Idealists slip from one affair into another. However, should the partner manage to keep their curiosity alive and not let routine and familiarity gain the upper hand, Spontaneous Idealists can be inspiring and loving partners.

If you had asked me previous to taking this, "Lauren, do you get bored in your relationships?" I'm not sure my answer would have been 'yes'. Because that would be admitting to a flaw that seems pretty immature to me. But after taking time to consider if that may be a real weakness of mine...I will admit that it may be more true than I want it to be.

When we stopped doing date night and the mundane routine of life took over...I went on autopilot.  I think my husband did too.  (And at the time, it was a survival requirement...with 2 children under the age of 3.) But that is when things started to get tough.  It makes sense because I want to be challenged and I want to have fun...and I wasn't getting either in my marriage. What a nice reminder that what I loving refer to as my "life ADD" is a part of my personality and not something I need to be ashamed of.  It's something I can admit to and then turn it into specific advice for myself:  "Lauren, make your marriage fun!  If you aren't having fun with your spouse, you're gonna get into that rut again."

Along this same line, it will come as no surprise that my top love language is quality time. Doing something...ANYTHING other than dinner, dishes, bathtime, bedtime every single stinkin' night seems to be the secret to my success. :)

Some people are critical of my need to constantly be doing something new and fun, and now I know why. They have a different personality type and would never be interested in doing that themselves.  To them harmony, peace, routine, and reliability are core strengths and the idea of going on vacation every single weekend may seem insane. I've been given the "work first then play" talk many times by my mother and have worried that my  'I want to play' attitude was immature. But my mother is a planner and a loving homebody who would be out of her comfort zone if she did something on a whim. Neither attitude is WRONG.  This is my new insight and accepting this as natural is so freeing for me.

We all have expectations from family, friends, coworkers, managers...but we are who we are.  So if you are butting heads with someone, it's probably because their personality is different...not because one of you is right and the other is wrong.  Take a moment to step back and look at both views as valid, and appreciate both sides.  Then maybe you need to do what I did:  Accept that both are truths and maybe even give yourself permission to think the "wrong" way...cause it might not be wrong.  Always be open to compromise and to growing in depth of ourselves and understanding of others, but don't change yourself just to please someone else. You won't be happy.

Now, we have to be more cautious of fully embracing "I am who I am" in our marriages.  I can't tell you the number of times I've heard someone say "this is who I am!  Accept it or leave." If you LOVE your significant other and you want them to be happy and you want to be happy, you can't stomp your foot down and expect complete acceptance.  Compromise is key to both people finding harmony and happiness.

If you and your spouse are opposites, try compromising on the basics.

If she's a planner and you're the spontaneous one, let her plan the trip a month in advance but keep it a secret. Then you are surprised and get to go with the flow and she gets to take the time to get comfortable with it and analyze all the choices before she makes them. :)

If she is a social butterfly and you are the introvert, don't think letting her have her girls night once/week is going to be enough.  She most likely wants you to be there with her when she's fluttering. :)  So find a compromise and be willing to go out with her so many times a month and in return get her to snuggle with you on the couch regularly.

Remember: If you both continually ask "what can I do to make my spouse smile today?" you're on the road to happily ever after.

Marriage: You are My Mirror

[I feel the need to preface this post with this: 1) If you are a friend or family member reading this, I love you and I know you want only the best for me.  I thank you for that. 2) If you are John, thank you for the tough love. I hope after this post, you know how much it meant to me. 3) If you are my husband, thank you for letting me be open and honest about our marriage in my writing. I want to impact others and if this post helps save even ONE marriage, I will rejoice.]

"I couldn't change without you; you reflect me, I know that about you...it's like you're my mirror...my mirror staring back at me." Oh, the wise words of Justin Timberlake. :)

Think about how frequently another person's attitude can affect ours (as we become a mirror to their attitude). If a coworker is frustrated, how quickly do you share that frustration? When a parent is cranky, how often do the kids turn cranky (and vice versa)? When a complete stranger shares their bad attitude with you (criticizing your product or service), well if you were a ray of sunshine before you definitely aren't now!

Now think about your interaction with your spouse.  Is it negative or critical? Is it filled with frustration or anger?  The Great Author wrote "love is patient. love is kind." Would your spouse describe you using either of those adjectives? If not, there is a problem.

I'm writing this blog with full disclosure.  I don't think my husband would say that I have been patient or as kind as I could have been over the last year.  We just celebrated 11 years of marriage and we almost didn't make it.

Back Story: My husband and I started dating in high school and our fighting started off very juvenile...and I'm ashamed to say it's not matured as quickly as I would have liked it to.  But once you start fighting in a certain way, it becomes a habit that's hard to break. Our endless efforts to prove the other was 'more wrong' or to keep tallying points to show who was giving less fed our need for self protection but nearly destroyed our marriage.  If there is anything that can destroy a marriage, it's selfishness. And I don't just mean "I want this and (s)he won't let me have it" kind of selfishness. But the "I am right" kind. To be unselfish means to show patience and kindness even when you don't want to, and that means opening yourself up to potential hurt.

"Love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrong doing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Are you jealous of your spouse?

Are you prideful or arrogant or rude?

Maybe you interrupt your spouse when they are talking or roll your eyes during a discussion or only see your side of the story as the 'logical' side. Do you always insist things are done your way or refuse to listen to their suggestions (e.g., parenting, finances) because you are clearly the expert?  You may even go so far as to set your spouse up for failure by not allowing them to contribute because they won't do it correctly and then hold it against them when you have to do everything.

This is a natural progression of not being loving: meanness breeds more meanness.  Arrogance easily leads to insistence of your way which leads to resentment and irritability and potentially to hate. And it is easy to get caught up in this cycle of discontent (we did).  Especially because the world supports us in this: as long as you have a reason to act that way, then it's "right".  Because we all have a right to be happy and a right to have our realistic expectations met and a right to be treated well.

The world will tell you that your spouse is failing and needs to step up because they promised to love you (which means treating you well, meeting your expectations, and making you happy). And that is true but if search your heart, I bet you'd find you're failing too.  Because if the symptoms of not loving are present (resentment, rudeness, jealousy, pride) then love is absent...on both sides.

The problem is, when we are unhappy we go into self protection mode.  And that means justifying the way you feel so you don't feel worse. Cause if I feel like crap and the reason is because my spouse did something wrong AND so did I...well that doesn't make me feel any better!  But if I did a tiny thing wrong and they did a HUGE thing wrong...well, now that does make me feel better...because I'm less wrong.  And when I justify my anger as righteous, then I'm starting to put myself above my spouse (arrogance, pride) and I can't believe they would act the way they did towards me (resentment, envy) and of course it was okay for me to act the way I did back (rude) because I have logical data to support my story.  And my story is the full and correct version (arrogance again).  See where I'm going with this? :)

And my well-meaning friends and family (who want only the best for me) will agree with me.  Why?  Because they love me.  They want nothing but my happiness, and they know I'm almost always right. ;) And because maybe...just a tiny bit...I tell the story with my bias. I highlight my spouse's wrongs and acknowledge but downplay my own. Cause now I'm gathering evidence for my side of the case. I have supporters who can testify that I had reasonable cause. Piling on the proof and validation of the wrong does not make it right though! It simply causes more strife and conflict, but resolves nothing.

But let's be honest (girls), we do not want to hear our friends say "Ugh! That jerk!  You should be patient and kind with him."

Friends want us to be treated like royalty; spoiled, pampered and radiant with happiness. But that means I get to win every argument and have my way all the time, and that means my husband would lose every time.  So me winning=my marriage NOT winning.  And what kind of person would I be if I always got my way? Anyone know a child like that?  Ya...it's usually not pretty.

We need someone to challenge us to constantly be better.  Think of the early years of marriage as a form of growing up.  As parents of young children, we want to protect them from everything bad; we want to prevent them from getting physically hurt, from ever having their heart broken, from ever being disappointment.  We want to give them everything they need and want...but what a selfish, spoiled child we would create. And then we'd be stuck with them! lol

Adversity builds character

In the same way, we might struggle early in our marriage, but that is okay!  In fact, I'd say there was something wrong if you didn't struggle.  Two completely different people are thrown together every single day to make decisions that impact not only them but an entire family and they are supposed to do all of this with a smile while loving everyone and fulfilling their every need.  Ya.  Right.

My husband and I have been through a lot in the last 16 years together.  We've coped with unexpected medical issues, financial issues, lawsuits, home building, unemployment, years of long-distance relationship, loss of loved ones, and more.  And we've been down the dark and lonely road of self protection and selfishness.

And this is where my dear friend, John, comes in.  When I was in search of marriage advice, I wrote to him; even though he is younger than me, in some ways he is wise beyond my years. His reply caught me off guard. It was the longest Facebook message I have ever received and it was like a slap in the face. A summary of the 3 pages would probably be 

"you are being selfish and if you keep acting this way, you will win but your marriage will lose. Do you want to be right or be happily married? I suggest you suck it up and love your jerk of a husband that you chose to marry even if you don't feel like it anymore."

If John had spoken these words in person, I'm not sure what I would have done. Either punched him in the throat or cried. But I know he said every word with love.  It was just hard to hear. John gave tough love in that email because he knew the bigger picture.  He could have told me something to make me feel better in that moment (tell me what I wanted to hear) but  he didn't.  He knew feeding my excuse list might cause my marriage to worsen and would only bring me further heartache. Instead, he spoke to me in wisdom and truth and hurt my feelings...but also gave the potential to heal a hurting relationship.

Unfortunately, it took me 6 months to fully hear what John was telling me. I continued on my road of self righteousness and ignored his words of wisdom...and, of course, didn't email him again for a long time. I reread that email recently and was inspired to write this post.  Because sometimes you just can't hear this kind of advice from a friend or family member...because it's another person you love inflicting pain when you are already in pain from the one you love the most.  But the twisted truth is that sometimes we need to feel the pain and acknowledge failure before we can be ready to try again.

THE ACTION

If you have something about your spouse that drives you crazy, try something new. Try to figure out why God put that person with that 'fault' in your life (hint: to help you grow in some way). Example: My husband wants to play all the time.  He'd never do another chore again if he had a choice, which drives me batty some days. I get anxiety over chores and trying to plan for every single thing, which drives him crazy.

But you know what? That sense of adventure and spontaneity was a huge attraction when we were dating.  Maybe God knew what he was doing when he threw these two extremes together; putting a bookworm who spends her weekends cleaning (while dreaming of adventure) with an explorer who lives life to the fullest but will never remember to put his dirty clothes into the basket.  If these two can find harmony together...what a beautiful life that will be!!

But what would happen if we didn't find harmony and instead spent years trying to convince the other person that WE were right and complained bitterly about how boring or irresponsible the other person was?  I'll tell you: misery followed by papers citing "irreconcilable differences".

Instead of lamenting our differences, we should be thanking God for them!  In a Lisa Kleypas book (Smooth Talking Stranger) a character says, 

"Both of you can thrive on your differences, as long as you respect them...[in fact], we usually learn the most about ourselves from people who are different from us."

Think about that.  That is a powerful statement that we should be reminded of all the time, not just in our marriage. I try to listen to someone with a differing view point and show respect for them, even if I disagree with them.  But do I offer that same respect to my husband when we differ?  I don't know if I do but I should. If I want to be loved, I need to first be loving. My husband is my reflection; there is nothing I can do that doesn't impact him.  One of us cannot change without changing the other.

When two people who love each other fight, they are trying to become one without losing the essence of their own personality and belief.  They struggle to find the balance that allows each person to be themselves while compromising enough to find the harmony within their differences.

I want to laugh at the naivety of us as bride and groom 11 years ago.  We had no idea what we were getting into. Imagine...two people...with all those differences (completely opposite childhoods, 4 sets of divorced-remarried parents)...locked together in a house for the rest of our lives...throw in a tight budget, long work hours, 2 screaming children, a constantly dirty house, well-meaning friends/family who want only the best...now stir it all up and watch!  Of course happiness, joy, and love just bubble right up and overflow that pot. :)  LOL

But when I hear "a successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person," I think I finally understand that.  Because I find myself doing that now.  We fell apart and lost each other for a moment and now we are coming back together.  I find myself learning new things, looking at him with new eyes, and marveling at the love we've held onto that continues to grow.

Marriage Advice from Other Bloggers

Read a recent article by He Said, She said's Serge Bielanko.  He and his wife recently separated (and then came back together for the better) and he offered some very down-to-earth advice on marriage.  Here are his bullet points he recommends you post on your fridge:

*You were in love once. That’s why you got married, dumbass. So you’re probably still in love. Remember that.
*You could have incredibly hot sex with other people if you really wanted to. But, that would ruin everything.
*When questioning your marriage, you should be questioning a lot of other things first.
*Money is more important than some things in a marriage and less important than others. You pick which ones.
*Kids change marriages. A lot. Can you handle that? Say yes, dumbass.
*No one else is married to you. It’s just him or her. That says A LOT.
*There is more true love in a grocery list than in all of the greeting cards ever written.
*Romance is nice. Patience is nicer.
*If you think you could have done better, you are a fool.
*Some marriages are perfect. Yours is not one of them. Deal with it.
*You are writing an incredible love story every time you bite your damn lip.
*There are two kinds of physical beauty, THEN and NOW.
*Marriage is way better if you take turns with the dishes, the trash, and the laundry.
*In the bedroom, just forget you’re even married.
*If one person snores and the other person doesn’t, the person who snores never gets that last little bit of wine.
*When you’re arguing with each other, you’re always half wrong. And that’s that.
*Those kids you made together? You couldn’t have done that without him/her.
*Long periods of confusion mean you’re not saying enough.
*Every time you open your mouth, it ends up in the book of your life.
*He’s so disappointing sometimes. So what? He loves you, stupid.
*She’s so disappointing sometimes. So what? She loves you, stupid.
*There are two minds in your marriage. And two hearts. And two souls. And four eyeballs.
*Little things are bigger than big things. (that one is deep ;)
*Paris is a city in France. Paris In The Springtime is a mindset.
*No one cares more about your marriage more than you two.
*Remember that exact moment when you both just knew it was the real deal. Well, guess what? It’s still happening.
*Nothing is forever unless you want it to be. Isn’t that cool? And powerful?
*There is magic in a messy house. There is no magic in an empty one.
*Love has many stages. All of them are very different.
*Different is quite good.
*The only mistake you’ll ever really make is wondering if you made a mistake.
*Every time you say “I love you,” a baby bird dreams of fat worms.
*When your marriage seems boring, it is you who are boring.  Again...deep.
*Living with the person you love can suck sometimes. Put your grown-up pants on.
*People look at you two and they see a single thing. Your marriage is that big of a deal.
*Never forget to always remember. Always remember to never forget.
*At night, even in sleep, you’ve got each others back. Nice one.
*Someday, your kids will talk about you both and smile. Congratulations.
*You’re both poets and janitors and soothsayers and beat cops and emperors and politicians and wizards. No wonder you both get so tired sometimes.  AMEN

His wife's response might not be as thorough but is still great. 

*Stop focusing on the negative!! (or put more positively: Look for the good stuff all the time!)
*Wait a day/night before getting into it (cool down time for both of you)
*Stop comparing who does what how often (a happy partnership means not keeping score)
*It's not worth it (all the little nit-picking has to stop)
*Stick to the subject (every fight you have is not about every fight you've had)
*Do it even when you don't feel like doing it
*Balance the time together and not together.

Heavy Heart

I am writing this today with a heavy heart.  Why do so many marriages struggle?  How does a love with so much passion, thoughtfulness, kindness, and joy turn into something so dark?
 This  turns to this 

"I want him to SHOW me that he loves me."  "I want him to be less selfish and actually think of me instead of himself." "We used to have so much fun being together and now I can't get him to turn off the TV and pay attention to me." "I'm married with kids and yet I've never felt so alone."  "I thought we'd be happy and in love forever. What happened?!" "I think we've just grown apart."  "I love her, I'm just not 'in love' with her anymore." "I give up."

I've been with my husband since we were 16.  We've been married 10 years and I can't remember what it was like to "date" or to be "giddy in love". But I know that once upon a time we were in love and I know we acted like it.  I know people said, "Get a room!" and "ugh, they're at it again" in playful disgust at our adoration. Where did that sappy love go?

I think the lyrics from Casting Crowns explain it best:

People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade...

Newness wears off.  We need to be ACTIVELY loving our spouses but, as time moves on, it gets hard to do naturally. He pays more attention to the TV, you might not shave for the entire winter, he forgets special dates, you do never-ending laundry, he leaves his socks on the floor, you whine that he never takes you out,  you both sit on the toilet with the door open, he ignores you, you scream trying to get him to hear you...
We have to share every day with the same person and that means EVERYTHING: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Your spouse has the power to love you the most and to hurt you the most. They know your strengths and your weaknesses.  If they want to hurt you, they know your most vulnerable spot...and you know theirs.  And when we are hurt, it's only natural to lash out and return the pain.  And no one can do that better than your spouse.

We're human and we get tired.  We get worn down. To quote Anton Chekhov

Any idiot can face a crisis; it's day-to-day living that wears you out. 

The monotony of life can catch you off guard.  You love your spouse, you love your kids, you love your job.  But you start to slack a little cause you're tired.  And pretty soon you wake up one day and wonder "what happened?!"  Your marriage can be failing, your kids can seem to have aged overnight, and your job might be overwhelming or even gone.  We have the best of intentions but failing is human.  And for some reason it is so easy for us to overestimate our efforts and underestimate those of our spouse.


Everyone who marries says the same vows " for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part" and at the time we mean it with all our heart!  Cause, let's admit it, we don't really feel like the worse, the poor, or the sick will ever happen to us.  I mean, we're in love!  We're untouchable, invincible, we're the ones that are gonna make it!!  Of course we will cherish and love the other person forever and ever. Duh.  But then we don't.  The sickness happens..the finance arguments happen...the intention to cherish fades...reality happens and then the 'worse' happens.

How can we make it? This is the hard part: it requires WORK.
If you want to lose weight, how are you going to make that happen?  If you scream at yourself that you aren't worth it and that you are a terrible fat person, will that make you thinner?  If you sit on the couch eating chips and tell yourself that you will be thinner, will that work?  Nope.  It's pretty simple but it's not easy.  You have to TRY.  You have to get off your @$$ and move.  You have to STOP eating the crap you love to eat.  You have to have will power and say 'no thank you' to the delicious party food.  You have to BAN fast food from your diet.
If you want to be rich, how are you going to make that happen?  Keep buying lottery tickets and crossing your fingers? Complain to others about how much more you deserve and how the job you have doesn't appreciate you when you should be working?  Nope.  It's pretty simple but not easy. SPEND LESS THAN WHAT YOU EARN.  Maybe take some college classes or job training courses. Ask for more responsibility at work and then give it 110%!  Have strong work ethics and live without some stuff now. (I love Dave Ramsey, by the way, and if you haven't read his book--go do it!)

So...if you want a great marriage, how are you going to make that happen?  Scream at your spouse about how they never do anything right? Complain to your girlfriends about how you deserve better but then go home and do nothing? Keep an eye out for something better and just stick with this loser until you find the greener grass on the other side?  Nope.  This one sure as hell isn't easy.  You have to TRY.  You have to put effort and energy and passion back into your relationship.
How?  There are tons of ways but they all involve W-O-R-K.  Pick up Love Dare and do it. Read Love and War or Captivating/Wild at Heartby John Eldridge, follow The Five Love Languages or Love and Respect series. Go to a marriage conference or join a small group. Find a couple that's been married for 50 years and ask them how they do it. Pray.

The hardest challenge in making a marriage work is that there are TWO variables instead of just one. But the worst mistake we can make is to say "My spouse needs to change like THIS in order for our marriage to survive".
Benjamin Franklin said it so well ""Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have of changing others."  Even if the other person has the biggest issues, picks the fights, is the verbally abusive one...let it go.  You have things YOU can change so do that first.  Decide what kind of person/spouse you want to be and strive to be that person.  The premise of the Love Dare book is a good one: take action and be the first to show love.  Initiate the change and see if the other person responds. :)

Is this easy?  NO!  "Why should I have to be the one to try?!  I already do everything!"--might be something you are saying to yourself. Or "It's never going to be good enough." or "We're too far gone already."

Are you afraid because you have already been hurt so much and wonder if digging deep for strength and trying again will get you nowhere?  I can only tell you that it's worth the chance.  
Don't listen to the world.  Don't become a statistic.  FIGHT for yourself, for your marriage, for your family.  They are worth it. You are worth it.  You are loving a FLAWED human being.  They once said, 

"for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part".  

Hold them to that promise.  Make them want to change as you change.  Tell them you don't want to give up.  That you know there was something SPECIAL, that you know God brought you two together for a reason and that you are not giving up.
Talk to a pastor, or a friend who wants your marriage to survive, or just pray till your knees give out.  Because you promised! Because even as the world says "You tried. It's okay to give up now." God is whispering "Please. Try one more time". Listen to the craving in your heart that says 'I still love him/her and just want to be loved back' and reach out.  One...more...time.

I will leave you with one last quote

"Stop talking about love. Every @$$hole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts."

So take your "I LOVE YOU" and turn it into actions that scream "I LOVE YOU". The world is full of pain, disappointment, anger, and sadness...but it's also full of miracles. It's full of people who have been where you are right now (or worse) who have said, "I am not giving up" and who have turned things around.  They have found joy, hope, happiness, and peace with the person they promised forever to. They've found the love they thought was lost and they would tell you "it's worth it!"